A Dog Person’s Dictionary
Angulation – Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress the judge.
Balance – How to arrange the checkbook so your spouse won’t know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked.
Bitch – [a] Name for a lady dog; [b] Name often overheard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.
Coat – The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.
Dam – [a] – A lady dog with children. [b] – Expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.
Elbow – Method of getting to ringside when late.
Expression – “Sweet” look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at the chunks of liver.
Fancier – Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.
Feathering – What winners are accused of doing to the judges’ nests.
Front – Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.
Heel – [a] – What you feel like when your dog beats the one you just sold to an eager novice. [b] – Expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.
Height – As in “Minimum Allowed”; a measurement which all champions exceed by AT LEAST a whole inch.
Hock – A way of financing your dog shows by the use of your jewelry such as your wedding ring.
Kennel – Where you go when the kids fight and your spouse yells at you.
Litter – Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.
Mask – What you wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago.
Muzzle – What you put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from telling your competition what they heard you say about his dog yesterday.
Noseprints – Cute marks left all over your sliding doors.
Outcrossing – What your spouse tells the minister you are doing out in the kennel with a dog and a bitch.
Points – Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.
Puppies – Small dog-like food processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with leaky systems, and they can be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts).